Writing

I've been writing today, working on my book. Its semi autobiographical, but mostly I hope its just a great romance novel. Its so hard to be a judge of my own work but I have to wonder what it will be like when its finished. Will it ever be finished? Will there be too much imagery? Not enough? If I spend all this time on my book and it isn't worth reading, will I keep writing?

I assume that every writer has these concerns, and that without critiquing oursevlves, there isn't room to improve but its so easy to wonder.

The other obstacle is that I need to travel to Mexico, to my grandmothers house to make sure I have my facts right, that I capture the spirit of her hacienda and her home from my perspective. I have lots of work to do! This is almost as much fun as reading a good novel, only it lasts so much longer! And I get to decide when it ends! I hope that one day I can share it with the world!

Better get back to it! Cheers friends!

Violet Robinson

One hour ago I found out that my grandma Buddy passed away. She was the mother of my Step dad Maurice. She was a quirky little woman who I remember best as a great card player, server of chocolate wafers and Tang, and fun friend of my childhood. As I grew up, he tiny stature seemed so much smaller yet she was always sweet and happy and fun to visit. Her only biological grandchild is my brother David, however she was grandmother to myself, my brother John and our cousins Shawn and Karen.

In the past several years, Buddy suffered with dementia which took her mind in episodes that were small at first and stretched bigger and bigger. Sometimes she would just forget where she was, and when she could not take care of herself any more, my mom and step dad moved her from the manor here in Linden to live in their home. My mother took care of buddy, her personal care needs, along with the twice a week visits from homecare. She was a lovely fixture in my parents house for a few years, shuffling around, sitting in the sun, making jam sandwiches and always eagerly awaiting her sons visits! Sometimes she fell on uncertain legs, sometimes she made tea by ripping the teabag open and drinking the grounds, but most of the time we could still make her laugh.

I know that the time Buddy lived in my parents home was a test between Mom and Maurice, and it was many sleepless nights, messy mornings and lost time for Mom. It was a hard decision to send her to a nursing home but when she started getting into risky situations like turning the gas stove on at night and not lighting or cooking anything, or going out to the driveway to go for a drive at 3am.

The Linden nursing home doesn't have televisions and Buddy always loved TV and music so her sons and my mom decided that St. Mary's in Trochu was the best place for her, and the care there was wonderful! She was there for her remaining months. I went to visit her there once when she first moved in. She didn't know who I was and was angry when I tried to get her to remember. I left in tears and couldn't go back.

Last week, I had to go to that building because my doctor is in there, and so Maurice and I shared a car to Trochu. We wheeled Buddy to a quiet sitting area and had a visit but she didn't want to wake up. After trynig to talk to her, and visit for about 30 minutes, we decided to wheel her into the TV room and head home. We knew that she hadn't been responding much anymore and I could see Maurice was very sad. Just as we were dropping her off in the TV room, she finally seemed awake and looked up at Maurice and for the breifest moment, she knew who he was! She would have smiled if she could have. She held his hand and rubber her thumb back and forth, the way she always did. It was beautiful. That was 7 days ago.

Buddy had 3 sons, Steven, Jim and Maurice and was predeceased by her husband Maurice Sr. She missed her Maurice terribly when he passed away, and could sometimes be seen having visits with him or just talking to him through his picture. Its comforting to know that she now has eternity with her sweetheart.

I will miss her dearly.

Red in the Face

Yesterday I poured my heart out, my deepest fears and emotions. I thought that I could just let it all out on here, (Blogger.com) and that random people would read what was going on so I didn't have to burden my friends.

Well I logged into Facebook this morning to find that my big long Blog had been posted on my Facebook page! I was mortified!! I fell so exposed that all of my friends and neighbors, people I face day to day, were privy to these deep toughts and fears.

So I'm feeling rather sheepish today. I can't decide whether I should disconnect my Blog from Facebook so I can ramble and rant more anonymously. However, after sharing what I've been going through, it also brought me words of support and encouragement from my friends. So for now I'm going to leave the notes on my Facebook page. Thanks Friends!

I have no idea where to start with this blog, or restart, as it were. I feel like I need an outlet for my emotions, a safe place to share my feelings and begin anew.

Seven years ago, I opened my coffee house in the town where I grew up. It was fun at times, hard work often, and depressing other times and it was mine. I always had a few bucks in my pocket and always felt needed by those who frequented the establishment. I had many employees, usually women between the ages of 15 and 22, which I've had the distinct pleasure of calling friends. I have introduced people new to town to the morning coffee group, afternoon coffee group, always with mixed reactions... it was like my own social sciences experiment.

Recently, I sold my business. I knew it was time, I knew I was tired and I knew it had to change. With mixed emotions I announce that my parents have purchased the shop, relief and guilt, and have hired a manager. I have spent 50 days away and am ready to talk about it. I am hoping to share my memories, stories and feelings about my separation.


I also want to share with someone whats going on with my body. I have spent the better part of 2 decades battling with weight. I am now considered morbidly obese, and although I may not look like the bedridden giants on reality TV shows, I'm not too far behind. I have spent years focusing on good eating and exercising and yet I increase a little every year. Now that I am not working, the more sedentary lifestyle to which I have become a patron has not been a help. Next week my doctor will tell me I'm close to diabetes, that my blood pressure is extremely high and that I am a walking disaster... this on top of last months news.

Last month I was told that I have 6 growths on my thyroid. We don't yet know what they are, or what they want but they make me so extremely hyperthyroid. For someone as big as me it doesn't mean I will lose weight, but that I'm so exhausted that 5 hours out of the house will wreck me for the rest of the day. I am awaiting the specialist appointment in January, where they will do a biopsy and decide where to go from there. I'm guessing surgery since one of those suckers is pushing on my vocal nerve, ruining my ability to sing and sometimes to talk properly.

Todd is great, very supportive and understanding. He gives me space when I need it and all the hugs and kisses I need. I am thankful for that everyday.

I live in fear. Financial, for all the bills that are piling up. Health because I'm scared that these heart palpitations and high blood pressure will one day cause my heart to quit. I pray for strength, for guidance, for others and know that its the right thing to do. And even though I have faith that it can't always be bad it seems that each day, things get a tiny bit worse.


Wendy